A Van, a Ventilator, and the Character of God

Earlier this year in May, our van died very unexpectedly. We are a family of six, so this had the potential to be a fairly stressful situation. I immediately began praying and was trusting that God would provide us with a vehicle, and He did! The very next day, a van was listed about 40 miles away. My husband went to test drive it and ended up buying it for the exact amount I wanted to spend on a new van. We were so thankful, and I saw that van as a sweet provision from God and a reminder of his grace and care.

Fast forward a couple months to September. Both my parents became sick with covid and ended up in the hospital within a few days of each other. At first the illness seemed only moderate for both of them, just bad enough to need a few days in the hospital with the right meds. Then on a Friday, we got a call that my dad’s pneumonia had worsened significantly and he may end up on a ventilator.

The next day, the check engine light came on in the “new” van.
The day after that, my dad was intubated and put on a ventilator.
A couple days after that, the mechanic says the van engine needs to be replaced, to the tune of several thousands of dollars.

Suddenly, it began to feel like God was playing with me. Was this van, that I previously saw as a gracious provision, in reality a joke? And if it was, then could I trust God with my dad’s life? Dad seemed to be getting better in the hospital, then had a setback, then improved, then ended up on a ventilator, which felt like certain death for him. Was God just stringing us along, giving us hope and then taking it away? Was He going to take us on a roller coaster ride with my dad’s health, just to let him die?

In those difficult moments of doubt, I had to remind myself of who I know God to be. He is not a cosmic prankster. He’s not amused by my suffering. He doesn’t delight in disease and death.

Maybe you’ve never thought quite as badly of God as I did in those moments, but maybe you have at times doubted His nearness and love for you. Maybe you have questioned whether His plans for you really are good, or if He’s holding back on you, or if He just doesn’t want to bless you like He does other people. Maybe you’ve simply felt like He’s forgotten you, and your life is falling apart while He’s busy taking care of other people.

Here is what is true about God.
He abounds in steadfast love and faithfulness. (Psalm 86:15)
He delights in his children. (Psalm 147)
He gives good gifts. (James 1:17)
He graciously provides all our needs. (Phil. 4:19)
He doesn’t withhold any good things from the redeemed. (Psalm 84:11)
He uses suffering to bring about beautiful fruit in the life of believers. (James 1:2-4)
He is always with us and intimately involved with our lives. (Is.43:2, Psalm 23:1-3, Matt. 28:20)
He cares about us and our worries and fears. (1 Pet. 5:7)

When I remember what I know about God and who His word says He is, this becomes clear— giving me a lemon vehicle as a joke is not consistent with His character. Giving us hope about dad just to take it away and mess with our minds and emotions is not consistent with his character. A God loving and kind enough to give up his own Son to bring an undeserving people salvation would never deal with us in this way. I can always look to the cross as the greatest evidence of God’s love.

What I can trust, then, when life feels uncertain or when suffering is great, is that God has a good plan in it. None of it is random. God is not apathetic or vengeful toward us, so He does not forget or punish us. He has sovereignly and lovingly ordained the events of our lives to make us more like His Son, holy, righteous, and beautiful in His sight. That is a wonderful and worthwhile purpose. My van is still a gracious gift if it failing leads me to more trust in Jesus. Having misbeliefs about God revealed in the course of my dad’s illness, though I still wish he weren’t so sick, is a gracious gift as well.

Whatever your doubts and questions may be, they are not too much for God to handle.
Whatever suffering you may be experiencing, there is hope in the gospel.
Run to your heavenly Father. He is who He says He is.